Love is a Fact

Today you say this about that and yesterday you said that about that. 
Today you feel this about that and yesterday you felt that about that.
The same that.

And that’s completely natural.

Our feelings change moment to moment.

It’s a natural part of our human experience.

Love is not a feeling.

Love is a fact.

Many ignore fact, create their own mental fictions in its place.

Many deny, betray and/or abandon fact to live a lie instead.

Fact remains.

Love remains.

If ever there were anything at all dependable, 
Anything at all that we have no choice other than to depend on 
Lest we live less than life,

It is the fact that love embraces you in its entirety 
Even when you give it none of your attention at all.

It remains steadfast 
Despite all the odds 
Countless fictions stack against it.

Love is your ally. 
Always on your side. 
Always has the most lovely and lovable path laid out before you.

Yet to see each next step your fleshy feet should take, 
One by one, one right after the next,

Your attention must be given to love.

Your auto pilot mental setting must be surrendered and reprogrammed 
To let your God that loves you 
Pilot your life.

A choice of faith over fear must prevail.

Faith is with you, in you and for you.

God is with you, in you and for you.

You are only spiritually aligned to manifest God-given prosperity 
When you surrender mental fictions of willing unwillingness 
For your higher truth of who you are in God.

You are the one who loves you;

With outstretched open heart and hands to receive, 

Open mind to process and perform, 

Body willing to act in accordance with intuitive directives,

Let your energy manifest all that love your way throws 

By willingly allowing your attention to go where love flows.

The Open Sky

My heart feels like the sky does when it feels the possibilities of a storm arriving,

My eyes like the clouds shadowed by the other clouds of circumstance that begin to conceal the sunshine.

As they cast a little grey my way, I keep my heavy heart open to the movement within.

As it seems to be affected by the circumstance in the atmosphere, a seemingly external observation.

Has the sky any control over whether it storms?

Where does the wind come from?

Does the ocean of my emotion create the instability in my atmosphere?

Does that evaporation set teary precipitation in motion?

My heart feels like the sky whose opportunity is endless and whose winds of change are inevitable.

My eyes feel like it’s fragile clouds whose job it is to receive from the oceans until so full they release.

As they let go, they do their part in this natural cleansing ritual that leads to new growth.

Although they seem to be involved in something external and beyond their control, this all takes place in the sky.

This all takes place in the heart, the infinitely open sky that allows nature to take its course.

This all takes place in the heart, whose endless opportunities unfold as

The clouds, the ocean, the rain that falls gently and refreshingly when nothing resists,

Trust the sky and its movement, the winds of change that blow in the next opportunity and the sunshine and rainbows that follow even the storms.

Has the sky any doubt that the sun will shine into it and bring with it joyful new days?

Does it have any care that some winds will bring gentle, nourishing rains while others will result in just as nourishing storms?

Has it not room for whatever is on the horizon and openness for every new dawn?

Has it not the natural ability to trust itself, its process unfolding, its movement, its very own dance?

The sky contains the world and other worlds, the winds, the oceans, the clouds

Just as the heart contains the human and the other humans, all humans, their eyes, emotions, their toes and their motions.

We call this place of all-encompassing connection the heart, which we associate with love,

Because this all-encompassing, unconditional love is ever-connecting the naturally occurring dots unfolding the creation of the most miraculously ever-existing work of perfect art.

Trust

The Open Sky

To Reveal

Its Ever-evolving colors and motions

To Reveal

Its Unconditional Love

For You

Trust it

To Always Hold Space

For You

To Always be Open

To You

To Always Unfold New Days

For You

That are worth Trusting In

To Always be Faithful

To You

To Always Have Love and Faith to Share

With You

Receive, Release, Receive

The Open Sky

My heart feels like the sky does when full of sunlit, pure white clouds of opportunity joyfully allowing the day to move and shape them,

My eyes like the clouds as they shimmer with the reflection of pure light that radiates from their soul-full source.

As that light illuminates my way, I keep my light heart open to the movement within.

As it finds peace in the gratitude of the beauty in the atmosphere, a seemingly external observation.

Has the sky any control over whether this beauty lasts?

Where does the light come from?

Does the ocean of my emotion create the beauty in my atmosphere?

Does that illumination set joyful dances into motion?

My heart feels like the sky whose opportunity is endless and whose winds of change are inevitable.

My eyes feel like it’s fragile clouds whose job it is to receive light from the sun and wear it like halos.

As they reflect, they do their part in this natural sharing ritual that takes part in lighting up the sky for all to see.

Although they seem to be involved in something external and beyond their control, this all takes place in the sky.

This all takes place in the heart, the infinitely open sky that allows nature to take its course.

This all takes place in the heart, whose endless opportunities unfold as

The clouds, the ocean, the countless speckles of pure sunlight that reflect a kaleidoscope of natural art,

Trust the sky and its movement, the winds of change that blow in the next opportunity and the sunshine and the dance the rays take part in with all of creation.

Has the sky any doubt that the sun will shine into it and bring with it joyful new days?

Does it have expectation that all winds will bring the glittering bodies of water more movement to their dance?

Has it not room for whatever is on the horizon and openness for every new dawn?

Has it not the natural ability to trust itself, its process unfolding, its movement, its very own dance?

The sky contains the world and other worlds, the winds, the oceans, the clouds

Just as the heart contains the human and the other humans, all humans, their eyes, emotions, their toes and their motions.

We call this place of all-encompassing connection the heart, which we associate with love,

Because this all-encompassing, unconditional love is ever-connecting the naturally occurring dots unfolding the creation of the most miraculously ever-existing work of perfect art.

Trust

The Open Sky

To Reveal

Its Ever-evolving colors and motions

To Reveal

Its Unconditional Love

For You

Trust it

To Always Hold Space

For You

To Always be Open

To You

To Always Unfold New Days

For You

That are worth Trusting In

To Always be Faithful

To You

To Always Have Love and Faith to Share

With You

Receive, Release, Receive

The Open Sky

Without Love

Works are dead,
Faith is dead.
Without love, everything ceases to be alive.
Love is Life breath of the eternal energetic kind.

As humans, we may be motivated to act for survival.
This is fear.
Fear opposes love.

We may be motivated to act for faith.
But without love,

Faith is just

Ego-driven
Attached 
Ridiculousness.

Blessed be those who love so unconditionally, so selflessly,
That with doubt so much bigger than faith in anything eternal or specific,
That gaze into the eyes of the ever-changing impermanence of the world,
Reserve their faith for One affection, the One and Only Love itself.

Regardless of whether that love changes shape or form,
They trust Love loves with eternally blooming joy.
For after-all, God is Love.

Faith is nothing without love, and love is all faith can trust in.
Anything more is actually less, as anything more is a condition.
Unconditional love will never leave nor forsake us.
For after-all, God is With Us; Love is always with us.

True, faithful love is full of unconditional eternal joys,
Whether we take the moment to appreciate them or not,
The joy remains none-the-less.

Love never ceases to fully love,
Whether we get caught up in appearances that change,
Love does not change the way it loves us.

Without love, there could be no living of lives,
As Love weaves yet another dream-catcher of a love story around our being,
Existence unfolds in an infinite quilt.

We may be motivated to act for love.
With love,
All is just

Possible
Everlasting
Rewarding
Fulfilling
Ecstatic
Creative
Timeless.

Bliss:)

You are the Beloved

There is an indescribably perfect joy in even the imperfect human love when it is authentic. I know, because I have experienced such love. And ask anyone at all that suffers from a loss of someone they authentically love if they could erase having ever known and loved that person in order to erase all grieving and suffering, and even the imperfect humans we all are will say absolutely not. 

Dualities in experience are necessary for full expression of experiences to be revealed to the subject and observer... we are both of the latter as humans. The purpose of being human is to be subjected to perceiving separation from that which is inseparably an infinite one creation with a beginning and end that are the same, linked and flowing forth one into the other, as this the latter is a definition of God;) 

The purpose of God temporarily giving us the perceptions of separateness is so that we can fully experience the perception of wholeness, that which is God, complete and perfect love and the joy that is one with that. The purpose of our "separate" lives is to learn to perceive and experience more and more of this wholeness, this love... to yearn for and, in being true to ourselves and our heart's desires, to move towards that light of love that is God. 

Therefore, our purpose is to believe in and to create ourselves in the full capacity of all that we are in God. Love IS joy, your eternal happiness, and you are here with perceived absence of it and perceive separateness, so that you can choose to believe the truth despite appearances. Love is joy is salvation is resurrection, resurrection from suffering, resurrection from death, resurrection into eternal joy/ happiness. 

There could be no experiencing of this glorious truth without the dualities and life experience we now journey, my friends. Don't you see?... God's perfect love is unconditional and thus forgives and purifies anything less than perfection, allows it in fact to occur in this world, in these lifetimes of ours, so that we can choose to believe in who we really are, believe in what we perceive we lack, to believe it all is available in the eternity of existence. Why else would we be able to perceive we lack anything?! 

The miracle of life is that it is an evolutionary creative experience of an unfolding infinite creation, and this is most profoundly true on the spiritual plane where death and suffering are only the temporary subjects' perceptions to experiencing the awakening awareness of the infinite unconditional love that forgives, purifies, saves and resurrects into the place where nothing at all is lacking, the place where your joy is fulfilled.

Tree

On my mat, I flow.

With every glimpse I see you.

You meet my third eye

With your own inner vision.

Grounded and centered,

I see you standing tall before me

So beautiful and strong

A happy, healthy tree.

This tree, she is me.

I close my eyes

Behind them lies

Blue, blue sky

And a dragonfly.

Your peace permeates my entire being.

Your aura creates awe in me.

In gratitude I pray.

Namaste.

Autumn Rain

Tears nourish the soul,

Like rain the river

A full river

Finds ease to flow

Release, surrender, letting go

A merging, a welcoming back home.

Seasons of change

Bring us to tears

And then, new

Beauty to behold

Release, surrender, letting go

A merging, a transitioning into more.

Release, surrender, letting go

A cleansing, nourishment for the soul.

I AM Elemental

I am Fire
Bright and motivated from within
I am Air
Light and powerful like the wind
I am Earth
Grounded and nurturing
I am Water
Yielding and transformative

The Modern-Day Boy Who Cried Wolf

There was once a boy who cried wolf. On one specific occasion, he cried to me asking, “Don’t I deserve to be understood? Don’t I deserve love?”

When I offered him what he desired, he did not receive it. It takes love and understanding to receive love and understanding. When we allow fear to block love, we are unable to receive. We then perceive the love in fear as if it is the fear itself. Sometimes there is fear of inadequacy, of not believing we deserve it because we have attracted suffering when seeking it in the past. Sometimes there is fear of being manipulated by a wolf in sheep’s clothing, of being consumed. A fear is a fear is a roadblock to love.

I did and still do understand his fear of wolves in sheep’s clothing. All boys and girls fear them and cry over them until we realize they are just in our heads if and when we allow them to get into our heads, just like the skeletons in our closets and the ghosts under our beds. This boy had encountered what he perceived as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’d also encountered what he perceived as good and deserving sheep that were too good to stick around the lost sheep he perceived himself to be. The world inside his head was full of wolves and of sheep of varying degrees of good and deserving, yet the world at his source was one where only equally good sheep wandered about their given paths and no wolves existed. And the source had written the same one and only message of love that illuminates all paths to source upon the hearts of every sheep, so no sheep would be lost.

No one can save the boy who cries wolf, because the only wolf is the one he has created in his mind. It is only that wolf that presents the danger of being devoured. Because he has created this fearful creature and expressed his fears to others, he then fears the others could be wolves in sheep’s clothing pretending to save him but wanting to devour him. But it doesn’t matter whether they are wolf or sheep, because they still cannot save him nor devour him. They do not have that power. That power is his alone. Only he can save him from himself. Only he can choose whom he makes his master from the choices within him. Deep within him at his source, he can remember from long ago when the shepherd gave him clear instruction on how to avoid wolves. That understanding is within him.

The understanding and love that he desires has always been his. His source will continue to guide other sheep to cross his path, and some will have an understanding and love for themselves and thus for him too. But he will not be able to receive and to understand and love in return until he’s understood and loved himself. In his own time on his own path, he will come to that understanding and love of himself that puts his fears into perspective and illuminates his path as one that does not contain any wolves or danger. He will see that all the understanding and love he has ever desired is within himself, and he will come to the understanding also that there are others reflecting this love back at him from the outside looking in.

When this time comes, he will have the ability to reciprocate the same. He will also have the understanding within him that the shepherd gave him long ago to differentiate between the sheep that have currently lost their way from the ones that share his way, the way of understanding and loving oneself first. If he desires a partner to walk the path ahead alongside him, he will then be able to engage in such a partnership with a special someone that just happens to have found this themselves and desire this partnership too, when times collide and become one. This synchronicity can only occur when both sheep love their whole-heartedly found sheep selves, are walking the path of love that their source shepherd has written upon their hearts and want to share that love between one another.

I am grateful to have met this boy and to glimpse the light that often flowed in love from within him whenever he was not consumed by the fears in his mind. Because, while we each have the same source and the same love within us, it shines from us just as light through a kaleidoscope held in different positions. We each give off a unique beauty that blesses those who see and accept our beauty in the spirit of love. I am not concerned with whether or not I will be a special someone to him. I am fully aware that when timing is off with two people that it rarely collides in unity at a later point in their lifetimes.

Rarely do relationships or partnerships last in this world of the over-active minds. Often it is not a person’s time to be in lasting relationship, because they are not yet capable of reciprocating understanding and love, because they have not found understanding and love for themselves within. So many people feel lonely and afraid, because they have not entered such a relationship with themselves. Often these people seek to fill this void externally. However, once they hold the awareness that there is fullness within, are listening to their inner guidance system with the message of love from there source to guide their way, and are willing to share this inner adventure outwardly with another in a spirit of no-fear, THEN it is their time for building external connections that can last the test of time.

Only we know when it is our time. And when it is, there is no such thing as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and the boy has no wolves to cry over. He holds the power to free his mind to the love within himself, to recognize this love in others. He is safe and secure under the guidance of his shepherd.

When two recognize their love within one another, a special synchronous reciprocity occurs where love flows as it is intended to. Whether through partnership or friendship, we are intended to share the love with one another.

Seeking resolution and peace are all good, but we won’t find our peace outside of ourselves. We must search our intentions here as well, as we could be searching for acceptance outside of ourselves. We need to be sure we are okay with not receiving that, and that we seek peace with others with the intention of finding peace with ourselves, by making sure we speak our truths authentically as best we can. That is where I find my peace within. But peace is not love. And to ever find peace, we must first find love within… understanding, forgiveness, compassion for ourselves first and foremost.

The shepherd has many sheep. May we find ours in our time. May we not suffer along the way, but may we find happiness and growth in our “mistakes”. May we realize there really are no mistakes, only lessons in love. May we realize that fear and fearful creatures only exist in our choice to fear them, and that we hold the power deeper within at an unlimited energy source of love that enables us the ability to choose love over fear. May we all be in love with ourselves so that we may receive and give love to others… give the understanding, forgiveness, and compassion that we have within. May we all be at peace within so that we may collectively achieve peace on earth.

P.S. I hope you enjoyed my allegorical commentary inspired by a variety of spiritual teachings I’ve picked up along my path that I hold dear to my heart within.

With Us

You are everything changing forever
Like fractals, fireworks, spiraling along the never-ending fabric of life
You are the eternal garden of flowers of life that has no end beyond the constant horizon

You are the unchangeable constant infinity
Like energy, light, space expanding and contracting universe after universe
You are immeasurable love, limitless and unconditional, ever present, invariable, within and without

You are always you
When we surrender to all that you are
Then we embody all that you are

I am the eternal memory of everything growing
From the seed of an all-encompassing love
Immeasurable, limitless and unconditional, ever present, invariable, with us

Blessed

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

I tasted my tears tonight

They tasted like the ocean

The ocean you are now one with

The ocean we all are

My illusive body

I am holding

As my emotions

Keep spinning

In this temporary

Time and space

All sorts of bodies

Take up space

Spinning around

One another

Stars exploding

Lighting the sky

Like raindrops

Returning to the ocean

I will never let you go

For we are connected

The ocean we all are

I will let the grief go

For it has served its purpose

It made me more aware of my gratitude

It made me more aware of my beatitude

Now it will rush away

Like a love letter

Carried by a river of tears

Back into the ocean

The ocean we all are

P.S. Count your blessings as they add up to bliss;)

Flower Child

Simple is the truth, but a seed in the center of it all. 

A seed from which blooms infinite complexities.

I am a flower of life, so are you.

So are stars and galaxies too.

Inside, we all find that very same center, seed.

Authentically we be one and the same, connected.

We all produce petals, blooming at our differing times of day.

The constant is the seed, and its truth is its ability to change.

The constant is that the tree of life blooms flowers that change,

branching out and blooming in an infinite way.

Time of Our Lives

Time of Our Lives

“Hell is the place where nothing connects.” – T.S. Elliot

While I’m barely over forty which could be just a half-life, I feel like I’ve had the time of my life. I’ve experienced much out of life that was beyond my expectations but also a great deal of loss. My maternal grandmother passed on when I was twelve, and I lost my other grandparents before my mid-twenties. I’ve lost friends and pets. I lost some of myself during a five-year marriage to a then suicidal addict and suffered from PTSD throughout my twenties, including many years following the divorce. I also gained some of myself then too. I lost over a year of my health to Lyme disease. My husband and soulmate, Joey, passed on from cancer, but we had almost fourteen amazing years together. Just a year and half after my husband’s passing, my dog, Rocky, passed on from cancer, but he lived a great long dog-life. I am inspired to write this now, just a week after his passing, because I have a message to share with you, one of hope despite all my suffering.

            I like to imagine Joey is surfing the perfect waves with his high-school friend, Tony, who also passed on from cancer just a couple months before him. I like to imagine they surf for as long as they want without ever getting tired or sunburned. I like to imagine Rocky eating boneless fried chicken on the beach in the shade, or Joey giving him all the steak he wants to eat. But no animals must die, because it’s manna that just tastes like meat. I like to imagine Rocky chasing a countless number of bunnies, and the bunnies are not scared as there is no pain or death. I believe in a spiritual place of abundance, where nothing is lacking. I know that my imagination falls extremely short of what this place could really be like. I believe that anything conceivable, not just physically but also in thought or imagination, exists in this infinite spirit-land.

            If everything in thought is real in spirit, does that mean nightmares and negative thoughts too? Nightmarish or negative thoughts are conceived from fear; the root of all negativity being fear. When limits are defined within the infinite, such as time which defines our life experiences, they limit awareness of the infinite in some fashion. It is limited awareness that creates fear. There is no positive and negative, only is and is not. And we are part of the IS. Having physical bodies in this life experience, we are also part temporary illusion, the “is not”, and should embrace and love all parts of ourselves to fully experience life. Defining limits allows for the experience of unfolding awareness of the infinite. We have no way of perceiving infinite universe from the limit of our bodies, although scientists theorize infinity exists. We are constantly discovering more. If our eyes could see microwaves or behold the Universe in the absence of or conjunction of all time, we would perceive that light travels all over the darkness and fills it. Dualities are how life perceives; however, opposites are actually one whole in the infinite perspective. I personally perceive light as positive and believe it fills all negative space even though my human experience perceives darkness; it’s the unseen we fear and consider negative.

Our life experience is one of unfolding awareness through duality of experience. We experience sadness to fully appreciate an experience of joy. I have enjoyed my life so much that I would not hesitate to relive it over again countless times knowing the impending losses I would have to face as a part of it. Those that matter to me matter to me so much that I would choose to endure loss if necessary. My love and gratitude, gifts from the spirit realm, are as infinite as the place from which they came. I believe we are all spirits. I personally believe this inevitable, that when we “merge with”, rather become aware of and have faith in, the unseen infinite, our perspective becomes such that we are fully aware that limits, fear, suffering and death were only temporary. And permanence contains all that has ever mattered to us. I believe we are already connected in spirit, and this spirit is light and love, and it’s our means of reaching a whole awareness, faith in the unseen.

            When I was in one of the darkest moments of my life, I forgave those who I perceived to have contributed to my state of suffering, my ex-husband, his drug dealer etc. I genuinely wanted them to be healed and happy just as much as I wanted that for myself. I felt God spoke to me, “If you love and want happiness for them, think of how much greater the love and desire for happiness is that comes from the infinite one.” I was raised in a Christian family, but like adult Jesus, I do not identify now with any religions. I do believe in the personal spiritual experience and message that Jesus taught. Just like the bunnies would allow Rocky to chase them if there was no fear of pain or death, would we not all forgive and love one another if we all believed that suffering, pain and death was not possible? What if we all believed the good news of life eternal, and in that awareness, suffering, pain and death would vanish?

When I was suffering over the end of my first marriage, I was staring into a candle flame and thinking “why, God?” I heard God say, “I refine in fire that which is gold.” I did not hear a voice only an inaudible whisper, a profound awakening or enlightenment type experience. Fire is necessary to uncover the gold. Our life experiences are necessary to unfold awareness of who we are, spirits of love, capable of forgiving one another. It is by this grace of God, we are all healed.

After Joey’s passing, I chose to read the Book of Job, but I was disappointed. The scripture said Job was “blessed” with a new wife and children, because he continued to praise God with gratitude after losing his first wife and children. After not getting the answer to prayer I longed for, my Christmas miracle, the idea of God giving me a new husband and life seemed like a cruel joke. I only wanted my Joey back; I only wanted my pre-loss life back. However, now a year and a half later, I can say my journey of grief has followed Job’s in many ways. Job suffered greatly; he was not full of praise and gratitude immediately following the onset of his grief. Just like it has been for me, Job road waves that crashed into the depths of suffering, but that also rose to peaks of praise and gratitude. Without a doubt, I am eternally grateful for the time that I had with Joey, my grandparents, Rocky etc. I am even grateful to have met and married my ex-husband. Little moments of joy are invaluable.

This past weekend, I was at a pool party staring up into the sunshine from a pool float, my teary eyes hidden behind my large cat eye frames. Rocky, my spirit-animal and best furry friend I have ever had, passed on the day before, and I was feeling left behind. My soulmate human and furry baby had both physically exited my life. Despite feeling much gratitude for their existence and the time I had with them, the feelings of loss, the pains of suffering, were unavoidable. As a yoga instructor, my favorite sutras are the ones that address suffering. The first says that suffering is an inevitable part of life in a body. As I mentioned earlier, limits cause suffering. Physical bodies and time, key constructs of living, are designed to impose limitations on the infinite. Temporary ones that is. The following sutra goes on to say that future suffering is avoidable. We have a choice in every moment to not dwell and to not suffer. But at this sunny moment, I was feeling sadness and loss. I cried silently to God, “why, God? Why must anyone ever have to suffer? Jesus’ mission was to conquer death and suffering with love, and he would not want anyone to suffer. You can’t possibly WANT anyone to suffer if little old me doesn’t want anyone to suffer?”

So now we get to the good stuff, the hopeful message that I must share with you. I heard the inaudible whisper answer me and turn all my tears into a warm puddle of joy. The truth is that no one ever has to suffer again. We choose our beliefs, and it does have to do with faith. While my Christian upbringing taught me that non-Christians would be condemned to hell, that is not my personal faith. I believe faith is a personal thing, spirituality is personal. I do not believe that my personal Jesus or God, Great Spirit of Love, I am (Eternal Everything) even has a name. Jesus supposedly said, “I am who you say I am.” There is that “I am” again. Maybe the infinite one just comprises every creature’s personal belief of who that is. Maybe then, there are many names, and maybe names do not really matter at all. Maybe all that matters are all that matters to each and every one of us… love. I mean true all-encompassing love. The love that will suffer and die over again countless times if that were necessary to save those that love loves. And love is infinite, so it loves absolutely everything. If I want absolutely everyone and everything to be healed and happy, if my love is that great, just think how much greater infinite love is.

When Joey was in the hospital, two different messages came to me in the mail. The first was a Reader’s Digest with a cover that read “Real Life Miracles”. A couple days later when I was living at the hospital myself, the same magazine appeared in the waiting room. I thought it a sign that I was going to get my Christmas miracle, Joey’s healing. A friend later told me that the night before Joey passed away, he appeared in her dreams. He was standing over me, and he was desperately trying to communicate to me that where he was going was amazing. He wanted me to be happy for him and to know it would not be long until I too was there. A Christian friend later called to tell me that she felt God spoke to her concerning why Joey had not been healed the way that we had desired when praying for him. She explained that God wanted me to know that he was healed, and he lives also.

The second message was waiting for me in the mail the day I got home after Joey’s passing. It was my driver’s license that I had left in Chicago some place. A year and half prior, Joey and I had gone to Chicago on July 4^th for the “Fare Thee Well” Grateful Dead concert. It reminded me of a spiritual experience I had while I was there. Being raised a Southern Baptist, I was not only taught that non-Christians go to hell but also that secular music is from the devil. My teen years were blessed with fun times that included lots of jamming out to Grateful Dead tunes and other secular music from punk rock to grunge alternative. The music definitely contributed to my having the times of my life. Music is an honest witness of life, raw human emotions, and it is beautiful, all of it. I will never forget a video the Southern Baptists had me watch as a child concerning secular music. It said the Grateful Dead was satanic, and that the lightning bolt and skull in their logo was proof of that. The lightning represented the bolt that sent Satan down to earth. And the skull represented the death that he brought with him. While this is a clever interpretation, it is conceived in fear. I believe fear is an illusion as is this ridiculous interpretation of some of the most positive music lyrically that I have ever listened to! It is fear that divides us, diseases us, pains us.

At the concert in Chicago, I looked around at all of these beautiful colorful people adorning tie-dye and brighter smiles, and my heart beamed with love for all of them. I felt that my personal God must love them even more, must love them enough to find a way to save absolutely every single one of them. If it is required that we believe Jesus was a real “person” or “God” or if any particular name of God is required, I believe that will be fully revealed to our spiritual “sight” when we pass on to the realm where our sight is no longer limited. I read a story once of a heroin addict who says that he experienced a near death where Jesus met him in the light at the end of the tunnel. He met him to show himself to him. Seeing is believing! Where we lack faith while blind, I believe we will all have a chance to fully see again. The hopeful message of good news is that we are all saved, and suffering is only an illusion we create from our fears. It is our fears that limits our faith in this, and it is our fears that divide us. Love unites; love connects us all.

I have faith, most of the time. I know I can choose not to suffer and that it’s just an illusion anyways, as is time and my loss of those I love. Because I know I will “see” them again very soon. So why do I still suffer at times? Again, the inaudible whisper answered me saying, “You chose to.” And I remembered specifically that I did ask for the life I have been given. I imagine that I asked for it even before I was born. But that I do not remember. I do remember as a teen praying to God. I was overwhelmed by the sadness of those I loved at the time. A boyfriend who watched his sister get murdered in his front yard. A best friend who was neglected by her parents. Friends who had not had as much love in their childhood lives; friends who had experienced traumas and loss when young. I remember full well asking that if my non-Christian friends would all be left behind in the end times if I could be left behind with them. I asked to be given experiences that made me relatable to them, so I could reach them and be of service in saving them all. Perhaps I am just embarking on the time of my life, as many say that giving is more rewarding than receiving. It is my calling to share my experiences and my beliefs to inspire healing in others. But do not believe anything I say. Beliefs are meant to be as personal as each of our uniquely personal life experiences. Search inside yourself.

Good Grief

Good Grief

I've got a heart condition...
my heart feels heavy tho its light-hearted and likes fun
my heart feels empty tho its so very full and overfloweth
an unbeatable beating contradiction

Tonight I went to my “happy place” during meditation, and boy do the tears flow from there like an endless river. I don’t visit that river quite as often as I did last year because frankly my eyes can’t take much more crying. My happy place is my heaven for which I am so grateful that the word grateful doesn’t begin to describe the joy I feel and appreciation I have for having experienced glimpses of heaven on earth in my lifetime. When I visit my happy places (there are more than one, so a multitude of gratitude;) I am struck by the most heart felt mix of emotions beyond what I can describe here or in this poem below. The nostalgic heartbreaking loss that pains me while the warm river of tears comforts me as it fills my emptiness with joy. Calling them tears of joy doesn’t do the depth and polarity of heart motion that takes place justice. “Oooh heaven is a place on earth”... temporary earth... but despite being subject to temporary nature at this time, I know in the depths of my spiritual being that my happy places, my heaven, is eternal. I can, just by closing my eyes and going inward, vividly remember every temporary detail I desire to remember about some one or some place I love... the smell of their skin or fur, the temperature of their touch, the glistening love in their eyes that their souls peaked at me out of, and I can feel them spiritually with me in the here in now, feel their presence invoked by doing this. 

In my happy place I can feel whatever nature experience I want to recreate or create anew by rearranging time such that all my favorite sensations collide, the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun on my own skin on a beautiful mild summer day, the sound of the ocean waves or of trees rustling, specific ones I’ve visited many times in my past, etc I could go on forever with describing my heaven. And what’s even more heart screaming that I must share with you all now?! My heaven is still being revealed to me, each and every day as I comprehend new beautiful experiences, it grows and grows... at least that is how my currently temporary nature perceives it, as growth; yet, my spiritual nature knows it’s just awareness, awareness that heaven is a place on earth and an infinite spiritual ever-present experience.

Live On

Live On

Turning Grief InTo Gratitude

Today I watched the slideshows of you in happy times that I created this time last year. Just as they did then, they bring me joy not the sadness of loss. Because you deserved happiness, and I love to be reminded that you lived a happy life. And that I was an integral part of that happy life that you lived.

Today is the day that eleven years ago we committed our lives to one another until death do us part. We fulfilled that commitment. I had thought that it would be so much longer than ten years; never did I foresee your death so soon. I realize now that that was an expectation I had had.

I had expected we grow relatively old together, because I just knew intuitively that we would never leave one another. My intuition was right in that we would never leave one another by choice.

I remember your saying to me in the hospital, the day before the last day you’d ever speak to me, “I don’t want to die yet, honey… When I get out of here, let’s quit our jobs and do the taco truck we’ve been talking about doing!” Your death crushed every dream I had, because they all involved “us”. I literally have not had a dream during sleep since. Nightmares at first, but now just silence.

The nightmares and my suffering were tied to my attachment to that expectation of us living long lives together. I realize that now, and it has helped me become unattached to the little I had unknowingly remained attached to. It helped me to get in touch with my biggest fear, that of losing those whom I love.

It’s a fear that has become reality in the most intimate way, considering our love was the most intimate I’d ever experienced. Because of this, I now fear death not in the least. And rather than fear the loss of those I love, I’ve replaced that fear with acceptance and gratitude. I am so very grateful that I had a place in your happy life, and that you blessed my life beyond any expectation I had of reality.

The competing measures of quantity versus quality come up quite a bit in life. I’ve always valued quality over quantity. So where time fell short of the expectation that I should have never had, the quality of our relationship was something heavenly, exceeding what I thought possible in this “cruel world”.

I am eternally grateful for the joy we shared together, and each moment truly continues eternally through my grateful remembrance. That is why I chose to honor our anniversary today by remembering the good times we shared together. Remembering how we grew together, I am grateful to have your impression upon me forever. You are always with me, just as you said in your note to me. Some would say this was a “goodbye note”, but I say it was a “live on note”.

I am so very grateful that you considered the possible reality of your not making it out of the hospital alive, because at the time I didn’t/ wouldn’t accept that. I have fully accepted it now, as well as, the agreement I must keep to “live on” and fulfill my destiny which is not quite over yet.

I will share a little bit of us with the world, an excerpt from your “live on note” to me, the piece I have tattooed on my arm. “Please live each day to the max. Spread your love. Keep me in your heart. I’ll always be with you.”

~Forever in your heart, and you forever in mine. Forever thank you, Mrs. D, aka P. Dawg (Slideshows mentioned in story: http://joeydomzalski.com/2017/01/29/the-adventures-of-joey-d/)

The Blissful Book is Open

In honorable memory of my transformed husband who left the physical realm a little less than a year and a half ago now, who wished me to spread my love, this is testament to my pure love for myself and to my growth that has led my journey through grief back to my bliss. Bliss would not exist without loss and grief. Spiritual awakening and the experience of feeling would not exist without experience. My experiences... to which I am forever grateful! They made me... this blissful open book, excerpt below tis my modus operendum:)

I don’t need anyone for anything. I’m very resilient and constantly growing in character, love and gratefulness. I hate to be felt sorry for because I am grateful for the traumas and predicaments I face in life as they are what make me into a new enriched version of me. 

When I reach out to someone for assistance, it is because I am seeking to learn. I constantly seek to learn new ways of being. I enjoy trying new ways of being when those I trust and respect have vetted such to a perceived beneficial outcome. I truly believe we all fall short of whole and are different such that we can connect in such a way to grow one another. So by this, I do not mean I change myself for others. I am always true to myself, and I know myself to be quite a chameleon at times. I have such a creative nature and interest and passion in such a variety of the spices of life, that I enjoy walking alongside another in their journey. I know that to be my journey. I’ve always been a relationship focused gal.

While I do not need a mate to complete my life or happiness, I would very much like a man who proudly and adequately wears the title of my best friend, whom I can share any word, expression, touch etc with in an accepting non-judgmental space, who loves and appreciates my being me and reciprocating these same ways with them. Someone who like me is not afraid to dive into an intimate connection based in truth and divine love, and someone who is as dedicated to personal growth as I am, who encourages mine passively and appreciates my doing the same for them.

I did have this, so I know it exists. I also know it didn’t happen overnight, and that as fallible human beings our journey together to the highlands is rocky at times.. but the dedicated never give up. You meet where you both are and grow together from there. 

That being said, sometimes our inner compass gives us different directions, and we must follow those in order to fulfill our destinies. There are surely intimate relationships that are meant to change in ways that create distance, and when we know that to be so we must flow with it by letting go. 

Love does not possess, but it is purely loyal. Intimate connections never become less intimate even when miles or death separate physically. A lizard is no less a lizard after shedding its physical skin. So it is with pure love. 

Those that are agreeable to such do also have compassion on the human condition and it’s necessity to grieve physical loss and understand the loss just like the love never goes away. And each grieving person is on their journey of healing that never ends.

The lizard has infinite layers of skin to shed and grow. Love has infinite layers; it’s not limited to one object or person of affection. The lizard at this point in time may be adorning a bronze skin but the green one he shed yesterday never ceases to be his skin too. Some lizards are meant to only shed one skin a lifetime, and some shed countless. And each lizards’ skins, whether below skin deep in the unconscious where time doesn’t exist and thus the “future” is now, or whether the skin the world now sees, or whether a skin that was shed in the past, they are always all one and the same LOVE that is the lizard. 

Because I know that which is possible and that the sky that is outer space has no limits and an uncountable number of stars, I will not settle for anything less than agreeable for I choose to be agreeable to my destiny as it is unfolded for me by the highest one. 

Some say they feel insignificant when staring out at the night sky that is so vast. But I feel quite the opposite. The moon is there to shine light in my darkest of times; I am never alone. And while there are countless stars, each one does its part to give light to the endless sky, each star is brilliantly beautiful. 

One star's place is positioned such that other stars are near or far to it personally, but they are all still brilliantly beautiful and equally important in their space. Whichever star is closest to me, we are blessed to connect so closely. And those farther away are still blessed in their space where they have other stars close to them as well. We hold our own spaces, and in this life we are not given the capability to connect closely to all people in our lifetimes. 

Their are countless stars, and we are meant to interact closely with certain ones only, given our divine space in the sky. I follow God's placement for me and enter that space, and I welcome all who come in contact with that and so me, whether it be for a time or a season or a lifetime, I am grateful:)   

--- The Lizard Queen (I am. And I can. I can do anything;)